Romance is boring.

So, anyone who knows me and my monotonous and not-so-interesting-life will know how monotonous and not-so-interesting my love life is. I’ve recently broken up with a really nice guy, as cliche as it is (and I hate being cliche), I broke up with him after losing that ‘spark’ and I’m sat here thinking to myself “Why the fuck did I lose that spark? Why the fuck can’t my body just be nice to me for once and let me have the nice guy”. No, my body decided that we didn’t have the spark, not me. If it was up to me we’d be sat going through the list of movies he’d never seen (I made it for him, *vomits*, and drew accompanying pictures, *vomits violently*), and we’d be shoveling really unhealthy take-out in to our slavering gobs. Yet here I am, lonely as fuck and writing a blog post about how lonely as fuck I am. 

Here’s an embarrassing moment from the last twenty minutes- I direct messaged Harry Styles asking him if he’d date me. I don’t think he will. Maybe he’ll get back to me. Maybe he wont. NBD.

I want to go through these ‘stereotypes’ and ‘cliche’ guys/relationships and see if I’m this much of a loser with everyone, and then I’m going to share my findings (which will inevitably be that I am, in fact, a loser).

The #psycho – Not going to lie, this one wasn’t my proudest moment. It was my birthday, I was seventeen years old and sat in a kebab shop after a night out, crying because my all new #awesome blackberry phone had been stolen. I was in a shitty, shitty mood. This random dude comes up to me and asks if he can have my number and I go all crazy bitch on him e.g. “YOU TWAT! MY PHONES JUST BEEN STOLEN!! YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT!!! OH MY GOD YOU ARE SUCH A BALLTASH!!!!“. He pities me, and sits with me and asks if I want some of his donner, I decline and apologise and we become facebook friends. 

I’m not going to go in to all of the details but, this lead to two months later him going for coffee with my mother , begging for me to take him back (this being their first ever meeting), a suicide note, telling me he was in love with me, and an abundance of statuses (stati**??) including #emosh lyrics- for instance- “her mind’s made up she don’t wanna go steady, she’s only seventeen so she’s probably not ready” – which although appt, these lyrics are also inappt to put on facebook, dude. Srsly. Get yourself together.

He then attempted to get me back for about two years, at one point saying “One day we’ll meet in a zoo, or a park and it might be ten years from now, and we’ll realise we’re supposed to be together”,  wtf man wtf.

P.S– unsure if I said ‘balltash’ or if I just made that whole word up right here but even so I think I’m going to commit to it because it’s a great, great insult. *Pats self on back*.

The #stoner – The issue being here, I don’t smoke weed. This shouldn’t be an issue in my life, I should be proud of myself that I don’t smoke weed, yet here I am feeling inferior and silly because I don’t want ‘two tokes’. This one was a short lived relationship, we had car sex,  we had shed sex, we had floor sex, we ate mcdonalds, we ended it, he got back with his prissy-miss-pretty girlfriend, dropped out of uni and his car broke down and never worked again, I think I got outta that one at a good point in my life. 

Although if I could say anything to him it would be – stop smoking the ganja – you are too good for it and your brain cells are rapidly decreasing xxx

The #DrunkSnog – He was my hastagdrunksnog for about six months, every saturday I’d see him at the main nightclub where we live, and we’d makeout for the majority of the night. We tried to date IRL, which ended in us wandering the town with no money and then going to mcdonalds (this seems to be a running theme in my relationships). Then it all ended incredibly dramatically when my best friend caught him hashtagdrunksnogging some other lass on another floor of the club after already drunksnogging me!! Rude. Well rude. I played it cool though…

These are (pretty much) our texts after I found out:
DrunkSnog: Hey, where are you? xx
Me:            Oh downstairs, don’t worry though. You stay with that lass you’re snogging. :).
DrunkSnog: What do you mean? xx
Me:            That lass who’s tongue was down your throat sounds lovely, you should stay with her.
DrunkSnog: Fuck! Fuck! Where are you? Can I meet you? Can we talk? xx

So, I mean, I don’t know, six months of makeouts and one date to mcdonalds counts as a relationship, right? We were exclusive to only drunk snogging eachother, we had the convo. 

The #bandboy- I’m only going to say this once, girls, NEVER DATE THE HOTTEST BOY IN A BAND, EVER. Seriously, they should be left to just have sex with all women because they will never not do that anyway. They’re going to break your heart. I’m telling you. You’re not listening are you? No? Yeah, neither did I. 

I’ve actually dated more guys in bands than I’d care to admit. The brooding singer/songwriter (who won’t have sex with you), the terribly good-looking, tall, blonde sex god (who will have sex with you once and then get bored), the obsessed-with himself and only himself and you can’t stand next to him with your pale skin because his fake tan might rub off on you, and this guy-

The DEVIL. Sooo good looking that the Libertines lyric “And they all get them out for the boys in band” is put in to action. Who has puppy dog eyes and begs you to go on a date with him for three months (someone give me kudos, I really tried). Who, when you drunkenly give in, is sweet and caring, and tells you he wants to be with you and has sex with you regularly, maybe too regularly, and is even really good at that, too. Yet then he comes out with the #truthbomb that he has a girlfriend. By this point I was besotted and heartbroken, hated and loved him, wanted to slap him and shag him ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Difficult. 

Oh also- pointer, I worked with him- don’t do that either- major issue. I tried to quit and my boss went #craycray because he knew devil boy was the reason why. 

He had a girlfriend whilst doing the sex with me, and an abundance of other girls and telling them all the same thing. 

Worst bit? I think I might still have a huge crush on him. Why? Life, why?

And finally, this one..

The #perfect guy- Read my last post for some insight in to how perfect this dude was. He was good looking but not in that scary, intimidating, ‘is he prettier than me?’ way. In like a cool ‘who cares’ way. He liked the same music as me and we had so much planned this summer with gigs, concerts and festivals and I’m having to sell my tickets *cries*. He listened to me and no one ever does that, he could cook, I borrowed his clothes ALL THE TIME and he loved it, he was good at taking me on dates, he bought really good presents and he made me laugh.Oh, and he also was very good at the sex. 

Yet I don’t have that ‘spark’. So how come I had it with all those douchebags but not him? I’m only 20 so I don’t expect to find ‘the one’ or whatever bull shit right now, but I’d kinda like to. All this anticipation is killing me. 

If anyone knows a tall, sexy, lovely man-hunk will you please sent them my way (don’t let them read my blog though they’ll think I’m a #sadbitch)

Plenty of Girls & Boys in love

So, it’s Valentines Day in just over a week. Scary, right? Wrong.

It’s one of those things I’ve never  seen any point in celebrating… Maybe because I’ve always been alone? Anyway, that’s beside the point. This year I am in a full on, five month, committed relationship and on the 14th of February I will be on a plane to New York. Not with my boyfriend, but with a group of friends to go and see another friend who has recently moved to the Big Apple.

I personally, do not see the whole hoopla that happens around the idea of Valentines, whether you’re alone or in a relationship, you will probably be in the same situation on the 13th, and on the 15th. Anyway, I love the idea of love and because it’s appropriate. I thought I’d share some of the best lines from the best love songs (in my own opinion).

Does he know not to talk about your Dad? Does he know when you’re sad you don’t like to be touched, let alone kissed? Does he know where your lips begin? – Keaton Henson

We might make love in some sacred place, the look on your face is delicate- Damien Rice

Every breath that is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me-  The White Stripes

We took the town to town last night, we kissed like we invented it- Elbow

You stood out like a sore thumb, the most beautiful sore thumb I’d ever seen- The Maccabees

And if a ten ton truck killed the both of us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die – 
The Smiths

I love you, I’m a drowning grip on your adoring face. I love you, my responsibility has found a place- Belle and Sebastian

I love you from the bottom of my pencil case- Beautiful South

Tender is the night lying by your side, tender is the touch of someone you love too much- Blur

I count your eyelashes secretly. With every one, whisper I love you.- REM

Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new- Arctic Monkeys

Secrets I have held in my heart are harder to hide than I thought, maybe I just wanna be yours. I wanna be yours- John Cooper Clarke

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first.- Regina Spektor

My friend and me, looking through her red box of memories, faded I’m sure but love seems to stick in her veins you know- The Verve

I still believe it’s you and me until the end of time. When we collide we come together, if we don’t we’ll always be apart- Biffy Clyro

I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could feel this good forever? If anything could feel this good again?- Foo Fighters

Thought of you as my mountain top, thought of you as my peak. I thought of you as everything I had but couldn’t keep. Linger on, your pale blue eyes- The Velvet Underground

If you knew how much this moment means to me, and how long I’ve waited for your touch, and if you knew how happy you are making me, I never thought I’d love any one so much. – Randy Newman

There she goes, there she goes again. Racing through my brain, and I just can’t contain the feeling that remains- The La’s

My days end best when the sunset gets itself behind that little lady sitting on the passenger side, it’s much less picturesque without her catching the light, the horizon tries but it’s just not as kind on the eyes- Arctic Monkeys

Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again- The Cure

After all is said and done, the two of us are really one, the goddess really smiled upon our love dear Yoko- John Lennon

Pearl Jam- Even Flow

I would like to thank my best friend and flat mate Charlotte, for making this my current favourite song.

Friends – who needs ’em?

I do. Although, I feel that every one of us should have a ‘friend filter’ in their mind. You know  in the original Willy Wonka movie when Veruca  Salt falls down the egg-dictator and it declares her as a ‘bad egg’, I wish my brain did that for me. 

I have recently fallen victim to a split-personality friend. A person who seems to be there for you, who cares and makes you laugh… and then boom, out of no where, an egotistical, self absorbed, horrible person stands before me and suddenly I have no need or want for that person in my life any longer.

This person, had been a friend for almost five years and we had been through a lot together. Although, in hindsight I realise that in in many ways,  she bullied me throughout the first two years of our friendship. Her and my other friend, were the good looking ones and the girls that all the boys fancied, the girls whose parents had money to buy them the latest Topshop designs. I however, was that lanky kid with ladders in my tights, bad teeth, bad skin and skint parents. I was an ‘easy target’ per se. 

I wish I’d known back then what was going to happen in the years to come, because I could’ve saved my self a hell of a lot of hurt. Here are some words she’s recently said to me in arguments, after claiming she has lost that ‘bitch’ she was when she was fifteen years old…

“My parents don’t like you”  –

Now this one is a classic, after she claimed that we “shouldn’t get personal” she declares this. Oh, and as well as this, she had no idea that my parents completely loathe her and have since the day they met her.

“Why do you think the girls from home never invite you out?”-

The most brilliant thing about this comment was that not even a few hours later I received a message from a girl from home asking me to go a festival with her, and I also always worked weekends so they stopped inviting me out because they knew my answer would be ‘no’.

“You are a nasty person and can’t be happy unless you’re behind a key board arguing with someone”-

*As she sends horrible facebook message then blocks user* ever heard of the pot and the kettle?

“You think your loved Cait, but in reality no one actually likes you”

Now, personally I find this one slightly over dramatic… I mean my Mum loves me I think? And that was a direct quote by the way, because I know the difference between you’re and your. It’s not like she’s doing a Journalism course or anything. 

“I don’t want anything to do with you my life is mint at the moment and I don’t need you to poison it”

Again, how ‘mint’ can your life be if you’re getting so aggressive over this?

Although it may not seem like it, I’m genuinely happy this has happened. I’m finally free of the constrains of she who shan’t be named. The constant fear of saying something she will argue about (at one point I said I was going to put sheer material over my bed at University and she told me I wasn’t allowed to because that’s what she was going to do, and I didn’t). Or, even doing something she won’t be happy about (another time I spoke to the guy on the door of a club as I was paying in and she punched me  in the arm once we gotten inside because she said she fancied him, I literally said ‘hi’).

I’m glad for her to live so far away now I’ve come to University, in despite of what she says I think I have a fantastic life here. A boyfriend who is brilliant in so many ways and makes me laugh, a group of friends that are completely insane but in a beautiful way, I have something to do every day of the week and never find myself being bored, and I couldn’t be more content with my life.

My advice to any fifteen year old reading this, or in fact any person of any gender and any age is to be cautious. There are malicious, horrid people out there hiding behind a wall of hilarity and caring eyes.  Do your best to split the bad eggs from the good, or you’ll end up with a Veruca.